Allow your feelings
Grieve in the way that feels right for you – loudly or quietly, with tears or with words. Feelings that are allowed to exist do not have to be suppressed and can heal.
Coping with a miscarriage.
You have lost a child – and with it all the images you had already painted in your mind. This grief is real and valid, even if the pregnancy was only a few weeks along and those around you may not see it. On this page you will find what can help now – for your soul, your body and your relationship.
Your grief has a place
Even an early miscarriage is a real loss.
“It was still so early.” – “You can always try again.” Sentences like these are usually well meant and yet strike right at the heart. Because for you, this child was real from the first positive test onwards. Grief, anger, emptiness, feelings of guilt, envy of pregnant women – all of this is allowed to be there, for weeks or even months. There is no prescribed measure and no timetable for grief.
At the same time, miscarriages are far more common than is publicly talked about: a considerable proportion of all pregnancies ends prematurely, most of them in the first twelve weeks. That does not make your loss any smaller – but it does mean: you are not alone, and you are not to blame.
The first weeks after the loss
What can help now.
Every woman, every couple grieves differently. These six things have proven helpful for many.
Give your body time
Your body has been through a lot and now needs rest, sleep and good care. Go to your medical follow-up check and take on more again only step by step.
Talk to each other
Tell each other how you are really doing – even if you grieve differently. And choose consciously whom among those around you to talk to, and whom not.
Remembrance & rituals
A letter to the child, a candle, a planted tree, a quiet farewell just for the two of you: rituals give the loss a place – and give grief a form that can carry you.
Accept support
Whether psychotherapeutic support, a support group or friends who are simply there: accepting help is not a sign of weakness, but of self-care.
Forward without pressure
Whether and when you want to become pregnant again is a decision for the two of you alone. A conversation with your doctor helps you find the medically right moment.
Body & soul
Two speeds of recovery.
Physically, most women recover within a few weeks after an early miscarriage: the bleeding subsides, and the cycle frequently settles down again soon. A medical follow-up check provides reassurance that everything has healed well – and is the right place for all questions about your body.
The soul often has a different pace. Some women feel stable again after weeks, others need many months – and grief often comes in waves, for example around the calculated due date or at the sight of pregnant women. All of that is normal. When a new attempt will do you good is therefore not a purely medical question: medically, no long waiting period is usually necessary after an early, uncomplicated miscarriage – discuss the right time for you calmly with your doctor, and listen to your own feelings as well.
Medical clarity
When a work-up makes sense.
A single early miscarriage is, as a rule, no cause for concern: the most common cause is random chromosomal changes of the embryo that nobody can influence – neither through behaviour nor through diet or exercise. Which is exactly why: it is not your fault.
It is different with recurrent miscarriages: classically, a work-up is recommended after three consecutive miscarriages, and many professional societies already advise it after two. Then it is worth taking a close look at possible causes – from hormonal and clotting disorders to genetic factors. At our institute this takes place as part of the recurrent miscarriage work-up, with our in-house hormone and genetics laboratory in one place. The most important thing: if a cause is found, it can frequently be treated in a targeted way – and the chances of carrying a pregnancy to term rise.
Your relationship
Grieving as a couple – even when you grieve differently.
A miscarriage affects both partners – but rarely in the same way. Often the woman carries the physical experience alongside the grief, while the partner wants to be strong, keeps functioning and sets their own grief aside. From the outside this can look like indifference – but behind it there is usually helplessness, or the wish to protect the other.
What helps: explaining your own way of grieving to each other instead of judging it. Finding small shared rituals. Consciously planning moments that have nothing to do with the loss. And if you notice that you can no longer reach each other, bring in support – together or each for yourself. Many couples find that this crisis ultimately brings them closer together.
FAQ
After a miscarriage: your questions.
Is my grief exaggerated? It was still so early.
No. The depth of your grief is not measured by the week of pregnancy, but by the meaning this child had for you – and that was great from the very first moment. Even a very early miscarriage is a real loss that you are allowed to grieve for as long as you need.
Is the miscarriage my fault?
No. The vast majority of miscarriages are caused by random chromosomal changes of the embryo that nobody can influence – neither through behaviour nor through diet, exercise or everyday stress. Knowing this takes a heavy weight off many couples’ shoulders.
When can we try to become pregnant again?
From a medical point of view, no long waiting period is usually required after an early, uncomplicated miscarriage. Just as important, however, is that you both feel emotionally ready – and that may take time. It is best to discuss the right moment individually with your doctor.
After how many miscarriages should we have a work-up?
After a single early miscarriage, a comprehensive work-up is usually not necessary. From recurrent miscarriages onwards – classically after three, and according to many professional societies already after two – a targeted recurrent miscarriage work-up makes sense. At our institute it is carried out with our in-house hormone and genetics laboratory, without long journeys.
How do I deal with well-meant comments?
You may gently stop sentences like “You can always try again”: “That does not do us good right now – what we need at the moment is simply understanding.” You decide whom to tell how much. Many find it helpful to ask a trusted person to inform family and friends – so that you do not have to tell the story again and again yourself.
Can rituals really help?
For many grieving people, yes: a farewell letter, a candle on certain days, a planted tree or a small keepsake give the loss a concrete place. That can help you honour the grief instead of pushing it away – and at the same time give it a frame. There is no right or wrong here: choose what feels coherent for you.
My partner grieves very differently – is our relationship in danger?
Grieving differently is the norm, not an alarm signal: one needs words and closeness, the other distraction and activity. It usually only becomes difficult when both interpret the other’s way as a lack of love. Talk openly about what each of you needs – and bring in support if necessary, for example our psychotherapeutic support. Many couples emerge from this time stronger.
Where do we find support?
Our psychotherapeutic support has been a fixed part of our institute since 1988 and is very familiar with the situation after a miscarriage. Many of those affected also benefit from support groups in which women and couples with similar experiences support one another. And in acute crises, the telephone counselling service (Telefonseelsorge) in Austria can be reached around the clock on 142.
Support that has already helped many through this time
Psychotherapeutic support has been a fixed part of our institute since 1988 – for conversations after a loss, alone or as a couple, once or over a longer period. And if you are looking for clarity after recurrent miscarriages: our recurrent miscarriage work-up gets to the bottom of the causes in a targeted way.
Your next step
We fulfil your wish for a child!
When you are ready, we are there for you – with time, experience and a team that knows your story. At your pace.
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